IF you were bleeding to death and had a chance to phone a friend, would you call Count Dracula? Besieged by secretive assassins, would you betray your most trusted allies and replace them with someone sworn to destroy you? And if so, would it be an inspired show of strength — or a gesture of abject surrender? Gordon Brown’s ....
AS we know, anything which endangers the health of anyone or anything in the nation is immediately banned by our relaxed and liberal leadership. It is now illegal to smoke in a public place in case a nearby waitress gets lung cancer a hundred years later. It is illegal to let your dog loose on a fox and it is illegal to build a power station ....
I HAVE always been suspicious of pampered film stars who adopt little children as though they were choosing a cute pet. They want their very own cuddly bundle of joy but without the stretch marks, haemorrhoids and cracked nipples that are part of actually giving birth. And then they demand unconditional love from the scooped-up ...
OVER on the dance network, dear old Gillian Taylforth is struggling to remember why she’s so famous. "Most people probably know me as, sorry. I want to say Kathy in The Bill. No, sorry. Kathy in EastEnders. I’ll start again. Most people know me for . . . " So we’ll spell it out for her, shall we. B-L-O . . . And we’d better hold it right there, I think ...
HEADMASTER Richard Mercer is a dunce and should be expelled immediately.
This is the bloke who wanted to take all his staff on a four-day training jaunt to Marbella, at a cost of up to 40 grand.
But don’t worry, he reckons that’s cheaper than meeting in London or Birmingham.
Of course, he also conveniently forgets the fact...
ON the face of it, Richard Hart seemed the absolute pinnacle of respectability. He was a happily married vicar of long-standing, had five children of his own and ran the local Sunday school in Wales. Consequently, parents gladly entrusted their children into his care for local outings. Well you would, wouldn’t you? Now he’s serving ...
WELL, congratulations. You are now the proud part-owner of TWO busted banks. Nice of Labour to ask you first, wasn’t it? The poor bloody voter just doesn’t seem to matter any more apart from picking up the bills. The British public have become a giant pooper scooper, used by Labour to scrape up the mess from the bankers’ backsides. In...
TO be honest, I never really warmed to Cheryl Cole. I thought she was hard-faced despite her groomed, sparkly appearance. Also, I never forgave her for beating up that toilet attendant years ago. While people fell over themselves to declare the Girls Aloud singer "gorgeous, stunning, beautiful", I thought she didn’t really deserve credit ...
WHEN the email arrived I knew I’d hit rock bottom. It couldn’t get any worse than this. Would I like to appear on Channel 4’s Celebrity Wife Swap? Could they be serious? Suddenly I knew what their game was. They were planning to team me up with that dreadful old harridan Janet Street-Porter. Not sure if she’s married at the moment but I felt ...
I’VE lost count of the times people have come up to me and said: "You’re so much smaller in real life." I think they believe it’s a compliment. But it isn’t. Like a lot of teens — and especially girls — I’ve invested too much time in worrying about my weight and comparing myself with other people. For many years people saw me as a ...
LILY ALLEN and Cheryl Cole have what is politely known as 'history'. Mainly because Lily has never been averse to a bit of chav- baiting — the last refuge of the cowardly snob who feels the need to bully someone with less education and power, but shies away from picking on the traditional target of racial or religious minorities lest they feel...
THE Sun, Tuesday, November 20, 2018: EVENING kick-offs at football matches were last night banned under Government emergency energy-saving measures. The floodlight shutdown follows the power cuts last weekend which saw millions of homes without heat or light. The crisis stems from a decade ago — when ex-PM Gordon Brown slapped a....
THERE’S one Olympic story that had me reaching for the tissues – and before you say anything it wasn’t that Russian gymnast on the parallel bars. No, it was the story of the poor Chinese girl Yang Peiyi, who was replaced by pretty Lin Miaoke who then lip-synched to Yang’s singing of the national anthem at the opening ceremony in Beijing ...
THE Olympics were invented by the ancient Greeks, who were great drinkers, a race of publicans’ friends if ever there were. And if you look at them, it’s obvious that the Olympic Games were thought up by a bunch of blokes in a pub. No question about it. Take the javelin, for example. What’s that if not darts for show-offs? The discus looks .....
IT’S amazing how quickly those commentators and MPs who wanted Tony Blair out and Gordon Brown in have turned full circle. And they don’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. The pack in full cry is not a pretty sight, whether they are hunting down foxes or political leaders. They are both sports for the bored and very boring. But what...
Today
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