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John McCririck

FAIRER TODAY ... John McCririck

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IF ANYONE cares to reef up a spare £299,999,999 I’ll put in the extra quid to buy Newcastle United from Mike Ashley.

I’ll immediately resurrect the Messiah, Kevin Keegan as our new Saviour with fellow racing nut Terry McDermott joining us in the dugout.

With their banner “Primrose Hill Mafia In” being proudly paraded around St James’s Park to rapturous applause the dignified Toon Army will have their call answered.

”Howay The Lads!”

*****

SOME entrancing WABs stole the limelight in Valhalla at the Ryder Cup.

Golfers Wives and Birdies seem so naturally classy compared to all those preening, tarty, vacuous WAGs.

You can instantly judge fellas as to whether we’re into WAGs or WABs.

I’m off to putt a birdie.

*****

THOUSANDS of portions of The Booby’s acclaimed Bakewell tart and chocolate mousse will be devoured at Ascot today.

In restaurants, boxes and other venues all race goers can enjoy the kind of culinary paradise that alone has saved our marriage.

Then they’ll understand why there is more of me now than when I finally succumbed to her desperate entreaties for the band of gold.

If The Booby wasn’t a cordon bleu chef she would have been given the Spanish Archer (elbow) years ago.

I like to think she’s my devoted, obedient Labrador-with-lipstick except I don’t allow her to wear any make-up.

Snogging girls caked with lipstick is disgusting.

And I do more than just snog my Booby.

 

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You can bet it's fairer

WHENEVER I assert racing has never been straighter than it is now the usual reply is “you would say that, wouldn’t you”.

My righteous indignation and protestations do nothing to placate the sceptics but perhaps a couple of recent quotes will help.

Asked if the sport is cleaner than it was 20 years ago Walter Swinburn, then in his pomp as Sir Michael Stoute’s stable jockey, replied: “Yes. You could write a book about the dodgy stuff that went on.”

Choirboy, please send me the first edition.

And author Sean Magee, fascinatingly recalling 12-year-old Lester Piggott’s first winner, The Chase at Haydock exactly 60 years ago, quoted Davy Jones who also rode in that humble seller.

”I wasn’t fancied. Lester might say I wasn’t trying but I wasn’t fancied - which is different.”

Maybe. But the question to be asked is why Lester, when not yet in his teens, was even talking about non-triers?

Because, in those days, deception and giving horses easy runs, was all considered part of the game.

When I started burbling from betting rings first on ITV and then Channel 4 in the 1980s the activity of certain bookmakers pushing out prices of runners from “their” yards was so obvious that I constantly hinted about it to viewers.

Now, with stringent camera patrols and tight regulations, the atmosphere has changed. Market fluctuations on Betfair ensure everyone is in the loop.

During recent years a dozen jockeys, along with various connections, have been banned for non-trier or inside information offences.

And, contrary to the belief that Betfair and other exchanges encourage corruption by enabling anyone to lay horses to lose, the fact is their transparent paper trails have resulted in most of the successful disciplinary inquiries.

Of course that is not to say, which some in authority still try to do, that every horse in every race runs on its merits.

There are always those out to pull strokes. But transparency has truly worked and that’s why support for the much-maligned Paul Scotney, and his BHA security team, is in nearly everyone’s interest.

Wrongdoers shelter behind the robes of M’learned Friends and their legal barriers to “proof”.

But draconian penalties for convicted offenders, and increased vigilance all round, truly have made the game straighter than ever - whatever you may think.

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